Sometimes, you’ve just got to nuke the site from orbit. Only way to be sure.

While I’m not the sort of person to use one of those little paper sheets you find in restrooms, I can appreciate someone not wanting to rub their ass cheeks all over public┬áporcelain. At the same time, those partaking in paper protection need to Do the Right Thing and clean up after their nasty asses. I don’t care how proud you are of your pungent underwarmth, nobody wants you to share.

Sharing a toilet is already traumatic enough. Allow me at least the illusion that someone didn’t just make intimate contact with the thing using the most horrible part of their body, right before I put my own precious organs into close proximity with it. Please, allow me this beautiful dream, that I might shit in peace and trouble you no more. You gross, gross, gross motherfucker.