Yup, that’s me. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Last Saturday, my good friends Dan and Marisa got married. And this is how I decided to show my love and support. I am a terrible friend. It’s okay, though. They already knew that. Good luck, you two. And hey, when you get to the honeymoon, make sure to have a few orgasms for me!

My somewhat unique Life situation keeps marriage well out-of-reach, so I’ll never know the joys corralling a billion of my “closest” friends and relatives into an over-priced and under-prepared meeting hall to see how much debt we can wrack up before my beloved and I “start” our lives together. I suppose I’m grateful for that. Still, I have precious few excuses to engage in formal attire — and fewer still to justify shopping for a wedding dress — so I have been known to wist on occasion.

I mean, sure, I have my Great Expectations Reenactment Club, but one can only coast so far on irony.

In any event, I feel I should use my small corner of the Internet to say something nice to the newlyweds, so as to prove to myself and others that I’m not a complete asshat. So: Dan? Marsia? Love is pretty fucking boss. You already know this, of course. That’s why you went and made all those people buy you crap and come to your party. But now the whole world knows it, and that’s what’s important here. Because the world is awful. The world is dirty, and it’s shitty, and it’s painful, and it’s just a terrible place to spend your life. Except every so often, a few people come along, and they stare the world right in the eye and say “hey, fuck all that noise. Love is pretty fucking boss.” And those people make all the rest of that shit worthwhile for another day. And now, those people are you people. Thanks for makin’ the world just a little less crappy.

Unless, y’know, you get divorced. Heh, ’cause man, that would suuuuuuuuck.