Hey, lookit ‘at. I can do satire! Cool, huh? And it’s even a commentary on recent events. Wow. It’s a whole new Sketched Comedy.

So yeah, as you’ve undoubtedly heard by now, Lucas is fucking with the trilogy again. More stupid bullshit is finding its way into the Blu-Ray release because, pfftt, why the hell not. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even know what he’s changing. I guess the infamous “Nooooo” from Revenge of the Sith is making a guest appearance or something? See, I haven’t looked into it. Haven’t clicked link one. Why? Because I’ve moved on.

And frankly, I think it’s time we all did.

Look, I love the original films just as much as the next person who has used the phrase “may the Force be with you” unironically in a conversation. But I’m done. I don’t care about Star Wars any more. Oh sure, there’s an X-Wing sitting on my desk as I type this, but I don’t care about Star Wars. I don’t care about Lucas, I don’t care what new crap is slouching out of Skywalker Ranch these days, and I couldn’t give less of a fuck about anything involving the word “Jedi.” Why? Because I’m drained. I’m tired of investing emotional, mental, and physical energy into the fever dreams of the idiot god-emperor of a galaxy far, far away.

Remember when this was fun? When being a fan meant dressing up as Han Solo for Halloween or joking about how much XP Luke got for every Stormtrooper that died on the Death Star? It’s not like that any more. We haven’t let it be for years now. Are we honestly shocked and upset that Lucas is doing something unbelievably boneheaded again? Weren’t we paying attention the first hundred times? Why are we still paying any of this the least bit of mind? You don’t have to! You really don’t! All you have to do is realign your perspective, and I guarantee you’ll be the happier for it.

There are these three films – these three incredible films – that shaped who I am in more ways than I really care to think about. They still exist. I have proof! There’s these three VHS cassettes sitting on the dresser next to my bed in this long, obnoxious slip case that has the words “Widescreen” and “THX Enhanced” written on it. Those tapes are the definitive versions of those films, and I will treasure them always. Nothing’ll ever change that.

The only difference is that now Star Wars is just some cool thing from my past rather than from my present. That’s not a bad thing. That’s the place where my Super NES lives. That’s where I find The Hitchhiker’s Guide. It’s where I keep every good orgasm I’ve ever had.

I can live with that.

…oh fuck me, I wrote a damn essay. I’m supposed to put an extra joke down here. Um. Uuuuh. “Boobie.” A’right, I’m out.